There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
