Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
