my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize