I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize