hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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