i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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