My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
