if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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