he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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