I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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