I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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