I think i peed on brittanys purse
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
