I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
