I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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