Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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