Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
