we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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