Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
