At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The best revenge is premature balding
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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