so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
