My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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