I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
