if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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