Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
