so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize