we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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