there's paper in my vomit.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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