Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
