do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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