There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
