Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
