I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
