I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
