I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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