I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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