I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
