worst night to have a conscience
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
