you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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