Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
