I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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