I met the friendliest cop last night
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
