you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
