We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
