70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
