i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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