I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
