I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
