I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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