I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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