You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
