1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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