You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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