I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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