omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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