I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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