We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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