Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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