tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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