i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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