So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
