My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
