Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
