You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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