On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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