Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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