remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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