It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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